


whats beautiful and broken

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mmmmm I enjoy suffering wbu, Self-Harm, That isn't the tag I wanted but sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 04:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6890719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander should have been curled up under a blanket, typing fervently. Or dancing in the tiny kitchen to some obscure band while cooking dinner. He had always returned from therapy by now, and even if he was immersed in his work he would have at least muttered a response.</p>
<p>Their apartment was small to say the least, so it took him mere seconds to rush back to their bedroom. The sight awaiting nearly made his heart stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	whats beautiful and broken

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote and edited this at around two AM in a note on my phone after getting an idea in the shower with the sole purpose of making people suffer. That's basically all you need to know.

"Alexander," John shouted, kicking off his shoes. "I'm home."

Upon hearing no reply he frowned. Alexander should have been curled up under a blanket, typing fervently. Or dancing in the tiny kitchen to some obscure band while cooking dinner. He had always returned from therapy by now, and even if he was immersed in his work he would have at least muttered a response.

Their apartment was small to say the least, so it took him mere seconds to rush back to their bedroom. The sight awaiting nearly made his heart stop.

"I'm sorry," Alexander whispered, sounding utterly broken. "I really tried, I swear I did. I'm so sorry."

John was at the other mans sides and pulling him into his arms in an instant, kissing the top of his head, his face, his shoulders. Alexander had his eyes closed tightly as he buried his head in the crook of his boyfriends neck, as if it would make the nightmare of his reality fade away.

John finally cautioned a proper glance at Alex and sucked in a harsh gasp of air. His arms were were covered in self inflicted cuts, a large portion of which had not stopped bleeding. There was also a long wound across his palm where he must have gripped the blade. He was covered in blood and his favorite shirt had been effectively ruined.

"I'm sorry," Alexander hadn't stopped whispering the words since he first said them. No one had been expecting a relapse. Everyone– himself included– thought Alex was improving, coping with his depression and anxiety and beginning to subdue the symptoms of his personality disorder. A fall back this extreme would undoubtedly have severe and ongoing effects on the man.

"What happened?" John asked, voice soft as he carded his hands gently through his boyfriends hair.

"I don't know," Alex whimpered, grasping at his arms as if he could heal himself in this way. "I-I got home- I had my DBT group today- and then I had an attack and I tried really hard not to, oh god I tried." He seemed to attempt to sink further into his boyfriend, body now racked with sobs. "Please don't get mad John, please don't leave."

John's heart ached at these words. He had reassured his boyfriend countless times he would never leave him, especially not because of his mental health. But Alexander's thoughts pried at and twisted his words, assured him of others loathing towards him. John didn't mind, not really. When asking Alex on a date for the first time he had made himself his own set of promises and expectations.

"It's okay love," He whispered to his boyfriend. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

Alex nodded and let the shorter man lead him to the bathroom and sit him down on the edge of the tub.

"What did you have for lunch today?" John asked as he gathered bandages and everything else he needed. It was a system he had set up at the beginning. Distract Alex with little questions to cheer him up.

"Umm... Tomato soup and a grilled cheese." He smiled slightly. "It's getting cold again, so it felt right."

John nodded in agreement, kneeling before his boyfriend and taking his right arm in one hand and a washcloth damp with warm water in the other. "That sounds yummy. Did you get any studying done for the test you have coming up?"

Alex nodded, a proud expression gracing his beautiful features as John began to dab gently at his wrist. "Yup! I better get an A on that damn test. I hear Mr. Washington's a hard ass though, so I don't know." He shrugged and tried not to wince as John wiped away his blood and cleaned up the multitude of cuts on his arms. "I'm gonna be the best damn lawyer in New York and some lame professor isn't going to stop me."

John couldn't help but laugh at his boyfriend, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. "Damn right," His voice was playful. "I'll beat him up if he fails you."

Alex threw his head back in carefree laughter. In these moments John could forget he was cleaning up blood his boyfriend had spilled himself, forget he was kneeling on cold hard tile in a too expensive apartment where he'd found the other man passed out too many times. He could focus on the fact that he was undeniably in love- and didn't even know how to say it.

"I'm gonna bandage this arm up now, okay?" John said as he picked up the gauze, looking to his boyfriend for permission and earning a nod of consent.

"You're beautiful when you laugh," He said nonchalantly.

A flush spread across Alexander's cheeks.

"You don't mean that," He mumbled.

"Yes I do," John replied, making quick work of the bandages and moving on to his other arm.

"How was your day?" Alexander asked quickly. John didn't miss the subject change, but decided to let it slide.

"Pretty boring but- oh god Alex, this one's deep." He couldn't hide the panic rising up in his chest as he cut himself off mid-sentence, fingers brushing the skin around the cut in the middle of his boyfriends forearm. The tremor in the other mans hand didn't slip past his perception.

"I'm sorry," Were the only words Alex could muster. His voice was small and fragile and his fingers were curling and uncurling quickly. The aforementioned cut was still oozing blood and though John's heart was racing he was the strong one and he would support his Alexander.

"It's okay," He murmured back, swallowing his panic and cleaning the rest of his arm quickly and bandaging it tightly. The wound on his palm wasn't bad so John simply wiped away the blood on that hand. "We'll have to check on that in a few hours to make sure it's stopped and change the gauze, okay?" Alex nodded in response, clearly exhausted.

"How about we change into our pajamas and I make popcorn and we watch bad television?" John suggested. Alex smiled and nodded in response, the tremor in his hands starting to ease. He took his boyfriends hand and lead him back to their bedroom, helping him get dressed before darting off to make popcorn.

John was standing with his arms crossed watching the microwave timer tick down when he felt his boyfriends arms wrap around his waist. He grinned and turned around, leaning up to kiss him gently, slowly, little more than a press of lips to lips.

Alex pulled away and John frowned, almost afraid he'd done something wrong. "Thank you, for everything you do," Alex said unexpectedly. "Because you don't have to spend your time cleaning me up and making sure I'm okay and trying to make me smile. But you do. No one has ever tried this hard for me. And oh my lord, you're so goddamn handsome and the way you bite your lip when you're focused is absolutely sinful. And I don't know why I'm so scared to say this or why it's taken me so long. I guess I do actually, because you're so much better than me and I don't want to scare you off. God I'm sorry I'm rambling. I just wanted to say that I love you, John Laurens."

John broke out into an ear to ear grin, hardly believing what he heard. "I love you too, Alexander Hamilton." He wrapped his arms around his boyfriends neck and pulled him into another kiss, teeth clashing as neither could stop grinning. John pulled away when the timer on the microwave finally went off. "You go get in bed. I'll bring the popcorn in a second."

John walked back to their bedroom, popcorn in hand and fingers slightly burnt and smiled at the sight of Alex curled up under the covers, intently watching the television. He slipped under the blankets beside his boyfriend, throwing an arm around him and offering the bowl of popcorn. Alex smiled appreciatively and popped a piece into his mouth.

The rest of the night was peaceful, beautiful, with gentle kisses and hushed declarations of love.

John was naive to the fact that the man in his arms would almost succeed in killing himself by the end of the week.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhh please let me know what you think??? I might turn this into a series of one-shots but I'm not sure yikes.


End file.
